Bye Bye Binky

We actually call it a paci around here, but binky worked better as the title of this post.  Either way, the pacifiers are gone and the heartbreak has set in.  I'm pretty sure that I officially know what it's like to nurse a raging heroin addict through detox and withdrawal. And it ain't pretty.

We've been getting Niall ready for this day for the last month or so.  I wanted him to be fully "over" the paci by the time the new baby comes along, so now seemed like the right time.  It started with little bedtime conversations like "We're gonna say bye bye to paci soon, ok?"

But last night, it was tough on me... because I knew what was coming today-- while he remained blissfully oblivious.  I tried to really pound the message in over and over last night: "Tonight is your last night with paci because tomorrow we're gonna put the pacis on the garbage truck since you're a big boy now.  Ok?  Bye Bye paci tomorrow.  We don't need paci anymore since we got all these new big boy toys so you won't be sad."  I was going on and on but he really didn't fully get it.

Even though he only uses it to sleep, he was really attached to paci for helping him doze off.  It was like brushing your teeth before bed-- it's just part of the routine and you can't go to sleep without that little part.

This morning went surpisingly smooth as butter.  Niall loves trucks, so we thought what better way to send the pacis off to greener pastures than to give them to the garbage man?

I started the process by reminding him what we were doing with pacis today, and let him have all 3 for the entire morning.  He happily ran around swapping each one out every few minutes for the next one.

Then, we heard the loud rumbling coming down the street and I knew it was time.  I'll admit, I was nervous; shaking like a leaf actually.  We ran out to the garbage man, personally handed them to him, and watched him put them in the back of the big truck.  He smiled and waved and tooted his horn as he drove away, while we waved and cheered.  Niall went inside and went about his business like nothing ever happened.

So why was I tearing up like some kind of emotional lunatic?  I guess this big step in becoming a big boy wasn't just about Niall; it was affecting me, too.  Niall and paci are like bread and butter; it's really been a part of who he is.  It's hard to picture Niall without it and it was really making me sad to think that we're starting this new chapter and leaving the old one behind.  My little baby is officially a big boy :(   

And then came naptime.  Reality kicks in for the big boy.  I can honestly say it made me more upset than any bump, bruise, busted lip or fever he has ever had before.  He went to the usual place where the pacis are kept and eagerly pointed, knowing that we were going up to take a nap.  I picked him up and showed him the empty basket, saying "pacis are all gone-- remember, we gave them to the garbage truck man?"

To which he started sobbing and moaned "Twuuuuck!!", like he had changed his mind and wanted the truck to come back and return his pacis.  I started tearing up again.  "Let's go pick some really cool stuffed animals and toys to take to sleep with us!"  He just sobbed harder, completely defeated, realizing that his precious pacis were really truly gone.

Then, we got upstairs and he suddenly remembered there was one last place that pacis are sometimes tossed: the diaper station.  I knew this was going to be agonizing for both of us.  He pointed and whined as I hesitantly picked him up and showed him that the inside was empty because we had given all the pacis to the garbage truck.

When I laid him down to change his diaper on the changing table, he covered his face with both hands and sobbed like I've never seen or heard before.  Real tears and real pain coming from his voice.  It was like his best friend had died and he was hopelessly pleading "Whyyyyy?????"

I cried a lot this afternoon, and after 10 minutes of Niall dissing every toy I handed him, 20 minutes of hugging and back rubbing, and 40 minutes of sitting downstairs listening to him hysterically cry himself into exhaustion, he is now finally asleep.

I went up and rubbed his little head, knowing that he had fallen asleep mid cry and just toppled over onto his stomach when he couldn't keep his eyes open any more.  And after one last tear down my cheek, I think I'm ready for this next stage.  He is growing into such a sweet little boy and every stage, as hard as it is to let go of the last one, is truly a blessing to be a part of.

Wish us luck tonight!  And please leave any advice you might have :)

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